I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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