I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize