Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
