we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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