Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize