I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
