why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
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