I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize