I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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