my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i believe in u and ur pee
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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