I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think my fart just growled at me.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
