This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
