the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
