I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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