she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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