did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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