You can't special order awesome
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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