wakey wakey hands off snakey
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
