I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
