a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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