He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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