I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
