Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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