P.S. I can't hear my feet
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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