he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
