Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
