Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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