2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize