Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
