She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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