nutella sex= disaster
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
