At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
