she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
