She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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