I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
