FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
