I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
