and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
