she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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