I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
