so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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