I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
A+ Viking dick
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
