Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
