I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
