K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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