Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
