i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
