dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
why do cheetos always look like penises
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
