As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
