Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
either way he was missing a nipple.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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