Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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