I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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