Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
worst night to have a conscience
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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