new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize