He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
