I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Randomize
