I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Randomize
