the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
