OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
